New school year

Well the count down is on. We start school on Monday. I went to meet the teacher yesterday. I felt so out of place and awkward. I really hope that feeling goes away. Mark and Alec are both really excited. I don't know why I let it bother me so much but I do. I want my kids to be in the best place possible. I wanted them to go to the charter school so bad and now I'm scared and really missing the other school. We have been so blessed that they have been accepted so I don't want to seem ungrateful. I'm just nervous. I want them to make friends and be happy.
I did come to the conclusion last night that this has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. They will do great. They will be happy where ever they are. Friendship didn't come easy to me in school. I don't know what made me so different but Jr. High was a nightmare. I'm so glad its over and that I don't have to do it again. In my head last night I was thinking that this was 19+ years ago and I'm still thinking about it?? The people that made me unhappy are spread all over the world and dealing with who knows what. I had a good cry and a good pray and feel like I was able to let it go. Now I just need to work on being more personable. Not let the fear of being alone get to me.

summer is almost here

School is almost out.  I am excited and ready for the break with my kids.  Except I start to feel this overwhelming sense of sadness as the year comes to an end.  I adore our teachers and next year will be new beginnings.  Our wonderful preschool teacher will be gone after this next weekend. She is moving to Utah, her husband got a wonderful job there. Her family is also there. I'm so happy for her but I can't help but be sad.  She was Mark's first teacher and Alec had her this year.  I had plans for Blake to have her as well.  She has been so good to my boys and they have learned so much. We found out a few Mondays ago she was leaving and right after that on Wednesday I got a letter from the academy saying Alec had been accepted.  I would have totally left him with her for another year.  I also would have lost my golden chance on him attending the academy.  Which I'm still not sure about. Mark has had such wonderful experiences at his school it makes it hard for me to pull him out and not send Alec there.

Mark's teacher has been wonderful. She is so kind and caring. One of those rarities anymore. She communicates with me and doesn't mind that I want to be involved.  Next year brings a new teacher and its always hard to say good bye.  I think I'm more upset than the kids.  When did I become so attached? So sentimental? Such a looney toon?
Its sad to think about.  Exciting for the kids but sad for me.  Here we go into the summer!

More thoughts

Did I ever mention I was 16 when I met Brandon? Kind of strange but it happened.  I know he hated that I was so young. He was 21.  He didn't like to take me anywhere because of my age. I guess now that I'm older I can agree. When he turned 22 I turned 17 nine days later.  It still wasn't great, but it was a tad bit better...Once he turned 23 and I turned 18 it wasn't that bad at all.  Two weeks after I graduated we were married. My dad had been working out of North Carolina and was only supposed to be visiting for my graduation.  So we planned the wedding around his trip here etc. He ended up moving back to Kingman so it all worked out anyways.  I'm not sure we would have waited given the situation....Now I'm 30 and he is 35 the ages are just a number that don't really matter..

So now my 16 year old niece is interested in a 22 year old guy..She will be 17 in September...Guess what, I HATE it..I mean he seems like a nice guy..but he is 22.  What interest does a 22 year old boy have in a 16 year old girl?! Then I think back to my situation and I remember how in Love I was...But things were so different then.  I was different, Brandon was different..He was so respectful of me...The joys of parenthood....
I keep telling her that every decision she makes has a consequence..I hope if I keep beating this into her head she will think about it..The sad thing is that this girl has seen more in her life than anyone at her age should ever have to.  Starting from the time she was a baby..Its just not cool...So here I sit pondering the situation and hoping she will think about all the things I have told her.

Scary Truths continued...

We've been married for almost 12 years.  Things are really good but we have had our ups and downs.  The most memorable bad down was when we were married for 3 years. See I got married 2 weeks out of high school. 18 and Brandon was 23.  Things were great and I could not imagine being anywhere else. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That there were so many people out there and I had not experienced anything!!  I turned 21 I wanted to go out and party and meet people. Things at home were rough.  I cheated on my husband with someone else. Who I will leave un-named. We seperated and I met someone else who I thought was everything he was not. He was attractive and charming. We hit it off for a while. I was still married and that really bothered him. (for good reason) His ex girlfriend came back to town and he picked her over me.  We tried the friend thing for awhile but he was with her and if fizzled for us. He married her the next year.


So at rock bottom I decided that I wanted my hubby back.I have never wanted anything more in my whole life.   We were in works and he met someone. Wait a minute..That happens? She was charming and flirty..would call him to say good night and he wanted to get to know her. I felt helpless as he explained that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I bugged him and bugged him. Eventually he broke up with her to fix things with me. I had in the beginning filed for divorce and wanted to cancel it but he didn't. He dumped me and went back to her.  He was still curious about her.  I had gone all out for him one night made dinner, done the romantic roses petal thing, and cleaned the whole entire house.  She called him when I was with him. He had been talking to him and asked if he could talk he said no..I knew who it was.  It made me sick..but it was me and what I had wanted.  I bugged him and bugged him and eventually we got back together.  He finally told her that we were going to try and work it out. For 6 months or so he told me he didn't think he wanted to be together anymore. It was tough but I tried to endure it I didn't want to split. We had cancled the divorce but he was still unsure. 


It was kind of weird but one day it just went away.  We were both happy again and things were good. A year later we got pregnant with Mark and he was born in 2004. I lost a dear friend through the whole ordeal.  She didn't agree with my behavior and although we are friends today things have never been the same.  Its taken me a long time to get over what I did.  Brandon forgave me and I know he meant it.  Could I forgive the same? I don't know, but he has a good heart and we are strong as ever!!


I know this is really deep and personal, but I feel like this had defined me as a person..Feel free to ask any questions and please read with an open mind.

Life's changes and why I read porn

Wow has my life been crazy busy lately. 2 weeks ago this Sunday my 16 year old niece came to stay with us.
It has been an adjusment but seems to be going good.  The boys love having here.  I don't know which way is up and down though lately. I hope that once we get into a good routine it will be OK.  I never thought that she would come to live with us.  We had to clean out our spare bedroom which I think has been a blessing is disguise .  I've gone through and gotten rid of lots and lots of papers and junk just sitting in there waiting to be thrown away..I don't know what it is but sometimes I can't bare to get rid of some thing and then the next time I look at this I think Why did I keep this. 

I'm also trying to figure out how the teenage mind works.  Its so creepy how things are these days and just how different kids are.  When I was in school I know things weren't good.  But now they are just down right bad.  I keep trying to explain to my niece that the guys that are innocent are the ones she needs to be around. I can't understand for the life of me why she would want to be someones throw away. I guess if they aren't bad boys they aren't appealing..Wow oh wow...Its funny because I can look back at being her age and wonder if I was the same. 

Lately I've been reading up on Porn for women..I thought you might be interested.  Here are some of the images. I've become slightly addicted.  I'm a little embarrassed to share this.

Dreams....

What are your dreams?  Or like me do you feel like some where out of the blue you stopped dreaming?   My husband asked me the other day to write down my goals and dreams..Really not sure what to write.  Of course there is always the want and need to be healthy. To have healthy happy successful children.  But what about me?  Not to sure I know anymore.  Day to day stuff has me wondering..
Have any of you lost your dreams? No where to be found and you want them back?

Yesterday's Suprise

Sorry I have not taken the time to Blog lately.  I've had the blogging slump.  Really its the every thing slump.  Getting the kiddos ready to go to school and out the door seems to be the most I can get done lately.  I've been slacking on my business. Just sort of in a slump all around.  I am so ready for Christmas break, I just can not wait. 
Soooo, Yesterday my friend Mandy picked up Mark and Alec.  She was going to two Christmas parties and she wanted to take the boys.  My husband and I loved the idea because it gave us some time with Blake.  So he got the boys ready and Mandy picked them up.  He was being so loving and attentive. He brought me a coffee from Starbucks while I was in bed.  He had gone to the store and bought cat litter and tp, and went to go get our basset hounds pills.  He did everything.  So I got ready and off to Bullhead we went.  When we got there we got gas and I thought we would go to Sam's club.  He said how about the Laughlin Mall..I said ok since we had not been there in forever..Its not really my favorite mall, but he offered so why not..So we cross the bridge and he keeps going straight, I'm thinking ok are we going to the mall the back way..He keeps driving and says we are going to Vegas..What?!...I didn't really want to go to Vegas because of the slump.  But figured why not..we never get away and we only had Blake.  So the whole time we are in Henderson I'm thinking we have to be back in K-town to get the boys by 6:30.
  We shopped and looked around and I spend my day looking at perfume and enjoying my time.  I guess I should have been suspicious because he was being so patient and taking his time.  Letting me look at everything I could ever want. We stopped at Railroad pass on our way back.  They have the best prime rib dinner there and its usually pretty cheap.Well they did raise the prices and it isn't the best deal anymore...but I really have not had prime rib dinner anywhere else that tastes as good!
We took the new bridge home.  Which is pretty neat.  Really cut down on our time.  It was sort of sad that it bypasses the hoover damn now.  You only get one small glimpse of it.  It wasn't scary like I thought would be.
Our trip home seemed to be taking FOREVER..I was getting really tired.  Brandon kept chatting with me and when he stopped for a bathroom break we only had 37 miles to get home.  Those 37 miles took so long and it seemed to be really dragging by.
Once into town I called Mandy and she said they were just getting ready to leave the "Party." She said for me to call her once we left home depot.  Brandon had to swing by there really quick. So once back in the car he called her to let her know we were headed home.  We got to the house and he got Blake out and I was getting a few bags from our trip and the garbage out.  I went to get the mail and the second I walked in the door I was greeted by this HUGE SURPRISE..and a bunch of friends and family! Brandon dragged me all the way to Vegas so they could throw me a surprise party for my 30th..which isn't until the 16th.  Suddenly everything started to come together..why they had to get me out of the house, why my husband was acting weird, my friends and how aloof they had been.  I was so touched, immediately I started crying and just could not believe that they had managed to keep a BIG secret from me.  I'm usually pretty nosy and snoopy and I didn't have the slightest clue.  It was great and I feel so loved and so grateful.

My kids were really with my Best friend Sarah! My friend Mandy was at my house with my other great friend Michelle doing some cleaning/decorating.  Hubby dragged me to Vegas to waste time.  His bathroom trips were really phone calls to my friends..I was sooo amazed! So shocked at how good all of my friend are..I don't have the pics yet..but I will try and post as soon as I do!

Rebel of all sorts

So I did forget to mention that after the big stress of my MRI..I went to go get my earring put back in that goes on the little flap out side of my ear canal..the little ball is almost impossible to get back in..While at Mink ink, I was inquring about nose piercing..How bad it hurt and what to expect. My friend earlier had gotten hers done and while I had always thought it would be fun I had never done it. So I bit the bullet and now I have a small little diamond stud in my nose. Of course it feels weird, but it is exciting. I told Rob, the man who did it that I felt weird having it done. I mean I am a mom of 3 and I drive a mini van..ha ha..He says I'm 42 years old and you are who you are. Which was very well said. Would I ever pierce a nipple..No..Hell no..ha ha..But Its fun and after the stress of the MRI I deserved it:)
To boot it didn't even hurt..I've had zits on my nose hurt worse than this did. It made me feel alive and helps me to feel not so consumed by being a mom..I am still me and I still have all sorts of life in me!

Happy New Year!!!

Here is what I've learned so far:

To finishing unstarted projects, finishing the unfinished..Not being so picky about everything and the ability to not control it. Meaning that now I have kids, I need to get over the want to have everything be perfect. That went out the window when I had kids. Its sooooo hard for me to just let things be..To let the kids help because I want to do things my way, to realize that my house will never be spotless no matter how hard I try.

That my King size bed WAS made to hold 3 people or more, that I am infact getting older and that I do drive a mini van now:( Yep, still sore about that one..

I do complain alot in these blogs, but when It boils down to it, I am very happy. I am very blessed! I love my boys more than anything I could have ever imagined. The days are to short, so are the years..Secretly my heart aches for when these days are over. ( Just don't want them to end) I love having a baby in the house, I always think about more, but I can't imagine the dirty looks, I will get then. I get stopped in the store non stop by people wanting to know how old the baby is and to talk to the boys.
I would wake up 10 times a night to hold onto these moments and the youth of my children. I would change diapers for the rest of my life to keep them small. That my five year old makes me laugh more that imagineable.
My 3 year olds (though he swears he is still 2 and a half) ability to quiet a whole gymnasium full of adults by yelling at his brother. " MARK DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!" Too funny, but still embarrasing!
That the third time must be a charm because Blake is such a good baby. Sleeps well, doesn't fuss much, and is so happy. I lucked out this time around!!

That though I get mad its only brief and I love to buy stuff for my children. Even though I swore I wouldn't because they were bad in the store:-P

If its going to get broken, its most likely mine and I've had it for a long time..Great way to get rid of clutter!

To drive my husband bonkers with my lack of organization and to want to save every animal out there even though we are out numbered in our house. we have a little dog named Scrappy. Alec calls him Pee Pee:)

My Husbands undying loyalty inspite of all of my flaws! How hard I laugh at him when he finds the only goats head (nasty pokey sticker)in the house in the bottom of his foot. How he always has something he really wants to do..Ie, some sort of multilevel marketing and how much money we have spent on these sort of things. His famous line, "But its something I really want to do."

Yep, its a crazy life and I wouldn't change it for the world. (except maybe all the negativity, war, and all the bad things going on in the world)
Hope you all have a very great New Year, that you are safe and that it brings you New things, new opportunity and much love!

8 weeks

Well 8 weeks have come and gone since the baby got here. I'd love to tell you that they have been eventful and I've gotten all sorts of things done, but thats hardly the case. I got a few drawers on my pantry cleaned out today(Still working on getting organized) One step at a time.. I'd still love to try and make it to the craft fair tomorrow but i'm not sure that will happen. Mark and Alec both have a cold right now. Alec is on the down hill slide of his and Mark's is still going pretty full blown. I have that annoying tickle in my throat that I've been trying to fight off, but I don't think I will be able too. I can feel it in my chest. Today I've been trying to drink hot tea, and try to combat it as much as I can.
I've been walking alot trying to get into shape. I know what I want but when it comes down to it, I really lack the motivation. I think about it every day and know what I need to do..but I still end up stopping at starbucks which is my vice. Yes, I am going to try a Iced coffee with 3 pumps of mocha..just haven't yet:)
So I try to excercise and know that its going to be a cold winter because I refuse to buy new pants when I have a closet full of size 5's...Guess I can't be to hard on my self...its only been two months. But the scale hasn't budged much. I still have 13lbs to shed. I love food, and I love to snack to its VERY hard.

Blake is doing awesome! He is such a good baby and getting so big. We go for his 2 month check up on the 24th. I can not even begin to tell you the love I have for him and all my kids. I know all of my mom friends know what I mean. My heart just aches with love. They are amazing kids, and I have been truely blessed with such a wonderful family. Its hard to believe that at one point I didn't even think I wanted kids. One blessing happens and its the best thing we ever did. I don't even remember my life before kids. I thought I'd miss it but I don't. Everything is so much more meaningful and I look forward to things again that I did when I was a kid. Taking trips, holidays, birthdays..Brings out the kid in me all over again.
I really can not believe that it has been 8 weeks since the baby came.
It goes by way to quick and while my hubby is sold on not having anymore a part of my heart aches at the thought. Guess, I should count my blessings. Ive got 3 I never imagined having!! :)

Fall is in the air

One of my favorite suttle changes that says fall is in the air is the early morning air. The way that the wind blows lightly different. The difference in the smell of the air. The way you can just sense things are different and starting to change. All of the halloween decor and fall decor making its appearance. This is my favorite time of year. Although it also brings a sense of sadness to me to. Knowing the summer is really over and that my kids will be a whole year older when the next one comes. The little things that make them happy change and they will be that much bigger next year.
It does bring new meaning too. The kids will be able to do more and have more fun. Maybe that's what its all about. Growing and making new memories with new experiences:)