Isn't it funny...

Isn't it funny that no matter how many wrongs or injustices that another person may cause us that we feel compassion towards them?  I guess this is all about forgiveness and moving on. Years ago Brandon had an ex girl friend, yada, yada, yada..Fast forward 13 years later and her sister has breast cancer.  Tested in February and the Dr said she didn't have cancer.  Now jump forward to September and she was misdiagnosed. She now has a aggressive cancer that they are dealing with.  My husbands first reaction was to pray for her.  My reaction was to cry for her.  She is someone's daughter,girlfriend, mother, sister and MOTHER..Yes I know I repeated that one, but it hit me hard. She has kids, she is only 34 or 35 and she is really sick.  Now she never cared for me because I was the new girlfriend of her sister's ex boyfriend. I get it .  Family loyalty..I would do the same thing. Later, I became his wife and time has moved on with all of us..There aren't hard feelings anymore. At least for me.  My heart aches for her and I can't seem to get it out of my mind.  Hoping that she is going to be ok and that she is going to beat this. I'm praying for her full recovery..Thinking at one time that I didn't like her because she treated me wrongfully.  But none of that matters right now. I guess in life when we think we have it bad there is alway someone out there who has it worse.  I'm praying for you girl, even if you don't know it or care.  I am and I hope you get a 100% recovery..
*funny what happens when you become a grown up, you change*

anxiety anyone?

I'm not sure why, but some times I get major anxiety.  This never used to be a problem for me but lately I've been getting really uptight.  Back in April when I had my MRI, I was causing myself some major anxiety.  I even created some of my own symptoms from worrying about things so much. After I got an all clear from the doc, I started to feel much better. 

Now lately I've been feeling uneasy again.  I don't feel stressed out, but I know that I am always concerned that there is something wrong with me. 

I worry that some thing will happen to me and that my hubby will be left with out me. That my babies will grow up with out their mom. I get this tightness in my chest and I get pains. So naturally I start worrying that there is something wrong with my heart.  I haven't been going to the gym as much and I'm sure that is part of the problem.  Really my worries seem so less than some people I know out there.  I know that there are people out there that are way worse off than I am.  I am so grateful that I have a loving husband, darling little boys who light up my life,  a great family and supportive friends.  So what's my deal..why can't I shake this?? Maybe its human nature, I don't know but I need it to go away soon. It feels like its making me crazy! I really want to avoid meds if at all possible.  Going to the doc right now just isn't feasable either.  I had insurance that I was paying 200.00 per month for JUST me.  But even after the fact I was still getting bills. So I decided to cancel it. Maybe thats why I'm uneasy..I don't like the way that our bodies can take control and give us all these symptoms and scare us so much. 

I know that God has a plan for all of us and if its my time its my time, but I can't help but pray for more time with my kids, and hubby.  I really hope this passes soon.  Worrying because you are worried is so hard on anyone. I just want to feel good and normal and not be worried all of the time. 

I never used to be a worry wart, but I guess I never had as much to live for as I do now..

Fit and fabulous!

So you all remember my quest to be fit. Well I have not given up. I did however lose track a little bit. For a while I was so worried about my health and even scared to work out because I thought something serious was wrong with me. I have all but given up worrying about that now. So what does it mean? Well since I was concerned with my health I decided that I need to take the whole working out thing seriously. So I got a Gym membership. I've been working out 5 days a week most weeks. I joined April 27th and have been going strong ever since. I am in week 5 and feeling pretty good. Of course there are days when I don't want to go, or that I'm tired. But this far I've been able to power through and still make it. They have a daycare which I love. I never know when my husband will be home so I can't depend on him and really I don't have anyone who can watch the kiddos. So I go at my leisure. I enjoy the Total body toning class. Its only a half hour and usually I get there about 30 minutes before hand to do some cardio. On the days there are no classes I do cardio and weights. I'm very proud of myself and really looking forward to what the future holds with my work outs. Fit by 30 is looking better and better!!

MRI done

I got my MRI yesterday. I had put it off and put it off because I was hoping my symptoms would go away. Plus the fact that my insurance won't cover it and I will have to pay for an MRI of the inner ear and the brain. So a 3600.00 bill is inevitable. The lady who did the MRI was wonderful and it wasn't as bad as I thought. Granted I had a few valium in my system and felt pretty good. I felt a tad bit claustraphobic but the time went by pretty quick. I am so relieved that I am done and its over with. I think just the worry of going was putting a huge amount of stress on me. I needed to get it done to be able to feel a sense of peace again. I could have done blood work etc, but I would still wonder about brain tumors and all that scary stuff. Plus I don't want to let things go if there is something wrong. Which I have convinced myself is going to be ok and I am healthy!!! So now I just wait for the results and they said it would be in, in 3-4 business days. So If they don't want to hear from me every day I suggest that they call me soon! Ha Ha!

Always something..

So today I went to go and try to get all of my appts set up and of course I got the headache of it. I had to get my prescription for a valium. I am nervous to get a MRI..so of claustrophobic for some reason. That all started about 10 years ago when I went to the tanning salon and never got over it. Anyway I go to check on the MRI and get it scheduled. Naturally my insurance isn't going to cover it. So I am looking at 1800 for one of the MRI tests and 1800 for the other one. They also mentioned that they don't cover inner ear disorders..Not sure if thats the case with me, but basically I am going to have to pay regardless. The upside to my 3500 MRI is that once they bill the insurance and it gets denied they will take payments from me. Woopdeedoo! ha ha..So I looked into getting a CT scan and I'm not crazy about that either. Did you know that They use radiation for it? That doesn't make me feel any better. Still not sure what to do or if the insurance is even worth it. It costs me 200 per month just for me! Maybe I need to stash that cash every month incase I need it. But wait..soon enough I will have to have insurance no matter what. If we have the money or not. I am so torn and don't know what to do..Maybe I have a little anxiety..

I was looking up the symptoms of anxiety and was amazed at the long list of things that can be anxiety based. It is very scary!

MRI here I come.

So today I went to the dr for this annoying whooshing sound I have had in my ear. Now I get to go and get an MRI done and a hearing test which is less that ideal for me. I don't know why getting an MRI is so scary to me but it is. Hopefully things will come out good. There comes a point where you start to worry about your life and if you will be ok. I'm only 29 and i am a self proclaimed worry wart. My kids need me, I need them, I need my hubby and worry about leaving this earth to early. I know it sounds morbid and I don't mean to, I'm just worried. The Dr said ringing in one ear is not normal. I just gotta suck it in and hope and pray for the best. Luckily our bodies are programed to give us warning signs. Hopefully a few weeks from now this will all be behind me and I will have the result of being fine. Please keep me in your prayers!

I'm not looking forward to the MRI. I never used to be claustrophobic, but for some reason I am now. I had a panic attack one time when I went tanning and was never able to get past it. Thankfully I did because I worry all the time about the tanning and how damaging it is to your health. A definite sign from God..to get out and never go back. But I do worry I will get scared again. Loss of hearing can also cause whoosing sound so I guess we will see how it all goes!
I cried and went through the emotions..so tomorrow is another day..I hope a better one!

I'm feeling lucky

So my headaches have finally gone away! Man I am so happy I was really worried over it. Worried about all the possible horrible things it could be. I decided to cut down on caffeine and that seemed to make a big difference. I was having a coffee at least every day. Usually a big one, sometimes a soda, maybe tea, so I think I was just on caffeine over load.

I'm a big cry baby

I am a confessed worry wart. When something hurts or doesn't feel right I get scared and wonder whats wrong with me. A few days ago I started with a pulsing sound in my right ear. Then I happened to be reading in one of my magazines about how this wooshing sound can mean you have some sort of disease..blah blah blah..I pretty much ignored that although it bothered me..So I got on the computer and looked it up and found all these much worse things like Brain tumors etc. Bad enough to scare anyone. Then I started getting pains in my head at random spots. I took some tylenol but it didn't seem to touch it. Last night after researching all sorts of stuff I decided to go to bed and put it in God's hands. Not too long after I got off the computer and went to bed my face on one side got really tingly. This is along with dizziness and sinus pressure I've had. So today I broke down and went to fast tracks urgent care. He said I have an upper respiratory infection and not to focus to much on what I read. I have fluid in my ear etc. So I do feel somewhat better. I got antibiotics and some decongestant. But My face keeps getting tingly in radom spots. Kind of by my eyes, close to my temples and by my cheeks. Its scary and it has made me worry something terrible. I know my sinuses are acting up, but geez.Its so scary..I think about my hubby and what would happen if something happened to me. I don't want to leave my babies behind and its got me truly worried. Anyone else ever have this? Its nerve wracking and off course if it gets bad I will go to the ER..But I'm just hoping the antibiotics will kick in quick enough and My head will be out of the fog. The way I've felt for the past few days.
Things like this really make you double check your priorities and pray to God. While I've put it in his hands I still can't help but worry..Bleck! I hope tomorrow I start to feel better!!

What I haven't been doing

I guess I should not be so hard on myself..I mean I do have 3 kids, a husband and a home to take care of. I need to not feel guilty..but I do. I went to Tucson a few weeks ago and that pretty much killed my work out routine. I am down to 135. So I have lost a pound, but geez..I need to get my butt in gear. Its on my mind and I feel guilty for not doing it. I know what I want to do and that as I put it off it will get harder..I've not even blogged because of my guilt. I absolutely hate saying I'm going to do some thing and then not following through. It makes me mad. So I know all of you have been thinking, wow Jennifer must be working out hard and not been able to blog..Sorry to disappoint. Oh well its a bump in the road and I will get there..It just may take longer to get there than originally anticipated. Hopefully tonight I will jump start my work out.

McFatty Monday (Yes, I know its Tues)

Why do I want to get in shape? Well there are a list of reasons...some for vanity, some for me, some for my children. But mainly because Ive never fully felt like I was in shape. Like I could strut around in a bathing suit without feeling insecure. Call me crazy, but clothing hides a lot. Ive always been thin, but Its something I'd like to call skinny fat. I just gotta stay motivated. Which seems good thus far. My weight upon graduating high school was 118. I recently read that being at your graduating weight is your healthy weight. After baby number 1, I went down again. after baby number 2 I landed around 125. 3 babies later its 136 on a good day.
Besides should Robert Pattinson ever walk through that door, I have to look good..buh-bye Brandon:P
McFatty Monday I like it!!THis link explains McFatty Monday! Thanks Amanda!!
http://theheirtoblair.com/2010/01/04/its-a-new-year-a-new-me/

Day 3

Day 3 of my work out was really hard..I was having a hard time concentrating and am still really sore from day before yesterday. I know what I want and how it is attainable, but its still hard none the less. I didn't do the work out yesterday. I was super sore and know that when I work out on days like that I'm not likely to return to my work outs. So I did it today and may do it again tonight on the advice of my hubby. I say he's crazy, but I don't want to give up on such a good thing so I may.

Christmas break is officially over tomorrow. I'm sad because these past few weeks have been great.
The kids have been awesome and are really enjoying their trampoline. We've been on it a few times and my that is a good work out!
I'm still feeling very motivated to get some stuff done. Cleaned off the top of the fridge and the cabinets last night. Don't know why I always start with the hardest projects first. Call me crazy, but not the less still motivated!!
Oh and by the way Jillian Michaels is one of the trainers from the biggest loser. She is tough, but those 400lbs don't just fall off of those people they work their butts off!

End of my twenties

Did I ever mention my plan to be in the best shape of my life when I turn 30? Well the count down has started. It actually started Dec 16th when I turned 29. Obviously with my lack of motivation and self control I couldn't start then. I would beat myself up every time I failed or had a starbucks. So I decided to start simple, after the holidays. I have a 30 day shred, by Jillian Michaels. I plan to do this everyday for 30 days and see where I'm at. I figure I should be able to stick to a 30 day anything. I'm also not going to restrict myself. If I want something I'll have it but I'm going to be cautious and pay attention. I also won't have Starbucks everyday.


Did I also mention yesterday was day 1 and I'm sore as hell. I can't wait to see how it goes! Good luck to all those with resolutions, 3 months from now I'm checking in with all of you....muahahahahha!

Christmas

My favorite time of year is coming to an end. Not so sure that's such a bad thing this year. I have always enjoyed Christmas and Thanksgiving. However this year has been all about catching up and I still have not managed to do so. Things are tough. In fact as I sit here I have a baby in my lap. He is my helper. My hubby says its all about how I organize my time. That I'm productive at the wrong times. I'm definitely more of a night owl than a day time person. I can get stuff done but generally I don't until later in the day. I can get a lot done while the boys are in bed.
So as I start to pack away my christmas stuff away I think about how amazing the New Year is going to be. It just has to be.

The boys loved Christmas. Well after awhile they did. Mark was thrilled, he said he got everything he wanted. It took Alec awhile to warm up to the idea. At one point he cried and said he wanted different presents. It made me sad because Santa put a lot of work into getting their gifts. Everything he got was stuff he showed interest in. I think he was surprised at the different stuff he got. I think he was expecting to get the same stuff as Mark. Good mental note for Santa! Blake of course was indifferent. He was happy just to be there.

We enjoyed time at both families houses. Of course they always eat at the same time and its a big fat pain in the butt. Hubby is always happy to spend time at both, but i know its upsetting when we don,t make it to his families earlier. Next year something has to change. But NO ONE want to celebrate a day earlier, that would be too easy...
Did I mention Ive also thrown my diet out the window for now..Starting a diet around the holidays is murder..So here soon I will get the will power and will stick with it. Right now I have none and it makes me guilty and I feel like a big fat quitter..ha ha! Egg nog I salute you, you will not get the best of me:)
I hope you all had a great Christmas and I wish you a very Happy New year!!

Time is Flying..

Where have the past few weeks gone geez! I guess a few things are going on. Nothing to much out of the norm though. We FINALLY got a new computer!! I am so happy, but sort of out of the habit of using it. I haven't really been on in weeks. Maybe a good thing though. I seem to be getting a little bit more done:)
Blake is 10 weeks and just went in for his first set of shots. I think thats the one thing that would make me not want to have any more kids. I worry so much about the vaccines and what they can do. I also worry about what can happen if they don't have them. Lots of old diseases are making a come back and it scares me. I pray and pray for him not to have any reactions. I put my faith in God, with everything I do and that helps me to be at ease.
Mark and Alec were both sick, which transferred to me and passed on to the baby. Every one seems to be doing well now. Mark's cough is hanging on. I took him to the doc yesterday when he saw Blake and everything seems to be good!!Maybe just some seasonal allergies. I kept him home from school to go to the doc. I didn't want to but I wanted to make sure he didn't have something..
I've taken on my walking again. Since my friend Mandy went back to work I haven't walked at all..But we recently started going again on her lunch break. We go downtown..THere are hills every where down there, so we get a good work out. I'm glad to, because the scale hasn't budged since I stopped walking.
I am also trying to wean off of the coffee. I know how fattening it is and really I don't need one every day. THats how often I've been going. So today I had a grande nonfat pumpkin spice latte. I didn't get one last night and had a headache today. But I did less fat today and a smaller size. So gradually I am going to wean off and only have it sometimes. Maybe for special treat or something. I did try an Iced coffee with chocolate and it was awful strong!!
Yeah I know I sound like a broken record, but I will be healthy!!!!

my computer

Well, my computer has died and we are working on getting a new one. Doing all the research that goes into getting a really good one. I should be up and running soon and right now I have to wait until my husband comes home and is not using his. Its very frustrating and I didn't realize how much I used the computer until I didn't have one. Banking, facebooking, wasting time..Yep, thats me! LOL...So don't fret, I will be back up soon. Not sure what happened to mine, if it was a virus or just a meltdown but its down. Things are going good though. Blake is 6 weeks already! Wow, has time gone by fast. He is smiling more and more and really showing us what a cutie he is.
Down another pound..walking most days...it feels really good..Happy!! trying to clean eat..slowly but surely...still love my starbucks, and candy corn..lol

On Friday I got my H1N1 nasal spray. Wasn't going to but decided that I don't want the baby to get sick and it seems to be hitting closer and closer to home. Everyone around us seems to be sick. Kids, friends, random people..Not any family yet, thank goodness! But its coming sometime or another.
Halloween was great. The kids were cute and as always I will post pictures soon. Once I'm up again...
So now the hubby is sitting here, reading over my shoulder and rushing me so he can use the computer. Jerk..lol...Not really, but he is ready for his computer..
Hope everyone is well!

chicken or candy corn?

That is the question. Man this clean eating is HARD. Its one of those things that you have to be ready to do and commited to. Like quitting smoking. I've never been a smoker, but I've observed people that have quit and tried to quit. If you aren't ready you won't make it. That's how I feel about food. Of course I don't like the changes I see in my body. Extra fat here, dimples there and it bothers me every day. I've had a baby BUT I still have extra fat that I know I can shake. Its called the skinny fat. Everyone always tells me how thin I am etc, but its like I'm hiding some sort of dark secret. My clothes camoflauge a lot. I don't even want to get started on my other clothes not fitting yet. I absolutely refuse to buy a new wardrobe. I just need to get over this food addiction that has such a huge hold on me.

Today was going very well. I did well the better part of the day. I ate well, skipped Starbucks, only ate a few candy corn. Made a good dinner, (chicken, steamed veggies and a small baked potato). Then I started feeling snacky! My wonderful hubby reminds me of the chocolate cake that we had gotten at the store. The chocolate cake I had been avoiding for the past few days. So I had a small piece and that turned into 2 and maybe a little more later:( all this while watching the biggest loser. So here I sit, not feeling any better and having a headache from the coffee I didn't drink today. *sigh* tomorrow will be better!

vaccines

Boy oh boy is this a heated debate. My mind is spinning to try and decide what is right for our family. On one hand I value my children's health more than anything. I think some vaccines are very important and on the other hand I'm scared to death as far as what is right for them and what isn't. I really hate to think that the vaccine market is all about money. Our health is so important and its scary to think that our government could be so corrupt that they would be trying to line the pockets of these big pharmaceutical companies. The evidence in both ways is very compelling. There are sooo many more vaccines now than there has ever been. Is this because medicine has gotten better and stronger and they are more readily available to help keep us healthy? Or is it because they are trying to profit off of some thing that is very fragile in my mind. I don't know. I do know I have researched and researched and picked a lot of different people's brains as far as how they vaccinate their kids and if they don't why. The stuff in these vaccines are scary..Would our bodies be able to fight this stuff off alone??? I just don't know anymore. I do know that now that I have another little guy in the house I want him to be healthy..I did break down and have a flu vaccine yesterday..2 years ago I had the flu, and I was so sick I could hardly get out of bed. It lasted for around 2 weeks. I can not afford to risk putting him at risk. So tell me how do you feel about vaccines and the modern day medicine that we are using so frequently..there is so much conspiracy about everything anymore..I've heard there are people who believe we didn't land on the moon and that it was taped in the desert..So there are always going to be people who question everything and this makes our decisions that much harder..Wow..Its going to be a long life time of figuring this one out!

Clean eating

Well I have decided to delve full on into some thing I have spent so much time looking into and not doing. Clean eating! I have read so many books and know what I should be putting into my body, although I never seem to be able to stick with it. I get tired of eating the same ol same ol..But Alas I think its time I get with the program and get past my unorganizedness...and get started..I have been reading the cleaning eating book by Tosca Reno..I bought a few years back. Then I bought the Butt book by her and her clean eating for Kids. I need good and healthy recipes if I'm going to stick with this. Unfortunately my favorite Starbucks drink right now (Pumpkin Spice Latte) is 540 calories. No wonder the scale hasn't budged. Thats crazy..I'm hungry all the time. Granted I'm breast feeding and need more calories but I think my body is lacking in the foods I'm eating and why I'm so hungry and crave all the sugar and junk. So we will see how it goes. I hope to be back down to pre pregnancy weight by December..Not if I keep with the starbucks though..lol..I did just have a baby and I understand that I need time to heal, but I feel eating right will put me where I need to be. Also incorporating some excercise and all of the calories I'm burning by nursing..I will keep you all updated!!