Moving Forward

What is it about change that makes us so uncomfortable? Is it moving into the unknown? Being afraid that once we get there we won't like it? I have thought and thought about going back to school. I've not made the decision for so long now because I really don't like changes. I'm happy in my little bubble. I enjoy doing things my way and not having to worry about the added stress of school. The question of going back to school has haunted me for a very long time. I always thought I'd go back. I got very comfortable in my routine with the boys. Not worrying about my future and what I would be doing. I always thought I had a lot of time to do all of this. I've watched my friends around me graduate and move into successful careers.Now I don't find my self unsuccessful (happily married, Mom to 3 boys) there is something missing. I don't feel like I've accomplished what I need to. I'm getting older and sometimes I think about what I would ever do if anything ever happened to my husband. How would I raise these 3 boys?? Thats something I never, never want to worry about but its a smart thing to consider. Also what happens to me when my boys are grown and out of the house? Who will I be then? I will always be their mom, but one day they won't need me. (as much:) ) So I've taken a few steps into moving forward. I've done a lot of research on going back to school. I've done my financial aid and the biggest most scary step....I took my compass test!!!! I think the scariest thing for me was that darn test!!! I was so scared to take it, its really held me back a lot of the time I've spent putting going back to school off. I got a 91 on my reading. An 81 on my writing. Math I didn't do so hot on. I'm going to retest on it once I study a bit more. I think I can test higher, at least I hope so. Realistically I'm at the point that if I don't test higher then I really do need to take it over again so I can do well on future math classes. I probably won't get going until the Spring semester but I'm really excited to be this far. I'm just proud of my self and for the first time in a very long time I feel intelligent again. I can be a mom and go back to school, all the while having the best of both worlds!

Mean and nasties

I figured for your viewing pleasure that I would start posting some of the "Awesome" things that my niece has said to us since she moved in.  Right now she doesn't feel that she should have any rules or regulations.  Last night I told her that we give her a lot of freedom and she needs to respect our curfew times.  During the week she has to be home by 10pm and on weekends its 11pm.  I think that is fair considering during the day she is pretty much permitted to do as she pleases. 

So since we have implemented the curfew she has all but broken the rules.  At first she would come home at 10, but stay outside for 2 hours visiting with her boyfriend.  So we changed it to where she needs to be in the house by this time. OK so she was in the house but her boyfriend would be here for 2 hours with her.  So once again we changed the rule.  She comes in he goes home..Done end of story...So last night I was telling her about all of her freedom and how as it is she is never home. She tells me that she doesn't feel like she needs to be home since she is going to summer school and working etc.  She said "This sounds bad but, I don't have any reason to be home."  Wow..Really? your boyfriend is that much more important to you than your family...Just tear my heart out now...and PS if any  of your family ever comes to you asking if your 16 year old niece can come stay with you..RUN! Don't do it, its not worth it and it will cause nothing but heartache. I know as a teenager I wasn't perfect but I would never have said anything so mean and hurtful.
The saga shall continue...

More thoughts

Did I ever mention I was 16 when I met Brandon? Kind of strange but it happened.  I know he hated that I was so young. He was 21.  He didn't like to take me anywhere because of my age. I guess now that I'm older I can agree. When he turned 22 I turned 17 nine days later.  It still wasn't great, but it was a tad bit better...Once he turned 23 and I turned 18 it wasn't that bad at all.  Two weeks after I graduated we were married. My dad had been working out of North Carolina and was only supposed to be visiting for my graduation.  So we planned the wedding around his trip here etc. He ended up moving back to Kingman so it all worked out anyways.  I'm not sure we would have waited given the situation....Now I'm 30 and he is 35 the ages are just a number that don't really matter..

So now my 16 year old niece is interested in a 22 year old guy..She will be 17 in September...Guess what, I HATE it..I mean he seems like a nice guy..but he is 22.  What interest does a 22 year old boy have in a 16 year old girl?! Then I think back to my situation and I remember how in Love I was...But things were so different then.  I was different, Brandon was different..He was so respectful of me...The joys of parenthood....
I keep telling her that every decision she makes has a consequence..I hope if I keep beating this into her head she will think about it..The sad thing is that this girl has seen more in her life than anyone at her age should ever have to.  Starting from the time she was a baby..Its just not cool...So here I sit pondering the situation and hoping she will think about all the things I have told her.

Torn

I'm not sure what to think...I got news on Monday that Alec's preschool teach Ms. Cami is not teaching preschool next year.(She is moving to Utah)   She has been wonderful. She takes 6 kids at a time and he would go on Monday and Wednesday from 9-12.  So the schedule has been great.  I was really looking forward to her teaching him again next year.  He won't get to go into Kindergarten for another year because of his b-day.  So I finally started thinking that I would be ok with him maybe staying home with me and working on some sort of a curriculum for him. Then today I get a letter from the Academy saying he had been accepted there for preschool.  Now I'm so torn.  I absolutely LOVE Mark's school.  Granted he hasn't gotten in yet either but I don't know what I want now.  I haven't come to terms with the situation yet. I had pretty much figured they were not going to get in.
If I let Alec stay in preschool he would go for Kindergarten the following year...If I don't he will lose his spot. I'm not sure what to do. I know he needs preschool no matter what. But I'm also not sure if I want to move Mark if he gets accepted.  His teacher this year has been a blessing. So wonderful and he has learned so much.
There are so many pros and cons.  I love the idea of a 4 day school week. I guess I have the next year to think it over...I have no idea now..

Scary Truths continued...

We've been married for almost 12 years.  Things are really good but we have had our ups and downs.  The most memorable bad down was when we were married for 3 years. See I got married 2 weeks out of high school. 18 and Brandon was 23.  Things were great and I could not imagine being anywhere else. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That there were so many people out there and I had not experienced anything!!  I turned 21 I wanted to go out and party and meet people. Things at home were rough.  I cheated on my husband with someone else. Who I will leave un-named. We seperated and I met someone else who I thought was everything he was not. He was attractive and charming. We hit it off for a while. I was still married and that really bothered him. (for good reason) His ex girlfriend came back to town and he picked her over me.  We tried the friend thing for awhile but he was with her and if fizzled for us. He married her the next year.


So at rock bottom I decided that I wanted my hubby back.I have never wanted anything more in my whole life.   We were in works and he met someone. Wait a minute..That happens? She was charming and flirty..would call him to say good night and he wanted to get to know her. I felt helpless as he explained that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I bugged him and bugged him. Eventually he broke up with her to fix things with me. I had in the beginning filed for divorce and wanted to cancel it but he didn't. He dumped me and went back to her.  He was still curious about her.  I had gone all out for him one night made dinner, done the romantic roses petal thing, and cleaned the whole entire house.  She called him when I was with him. He had been talking to him and asked if he could talk he said no..I knew who it was.  It made me sick..but it was me and what I had wanted.  I bugged him and bugged him and eventually we got back together.  He finally told her that we were going to try and work it out. For 6 months or so he told me he didn't think he wanted to be together anymore. It was tough but I tried to endure it I didn't want to split. We had cancled the divorce but he was still unsure. 


It was kind of weird but one day it just went away.  We were both happy again and things were good. A year later we got pregnant with Mark and he was born in 2004. I lost a dear friend through the whole ordeal.  She didn't agree with my behavior and although we are friends today things have never been the same.  Its taken me a long time to get over what I did.  Brandon forgave me and I know he meant it.  Could I forgive the same? I don't know, but he has a good heart and we are strong as ever!!


I know this is really deep and personal, but I feel like this had defined me as a person..Feel free to ask any questions and please read with an open mind.

Life's changes and why I read porn

Wow has my life been crazy busy lately. 2 weeks ago this Sunday my 16 year old niece came to stay with us.
It has been an adjusment but seems to be going good.  The boys love having here.  I don't know which way is up and down though lately. I hope that once we get into a good routine it will be OK.  I never thought that she would come to live with us.  We had to clean out our spare bedroom which I think has been a blessing is disguise .  I've gone through and gotten rid of lots and lots of papers and junk just sitting in there waiting to be thrown away..I don't know what it is but sometimes I can't bare to get rid of some thing and then the next time I look at this I think Why did I keep this. 

I'm also trying to figure out how the teenage mind works.  Its so creepy how things are these days and just how different kids are.  When I was in school I know things weren't good.  But now they are just down right bad.  I keep trying to explain to my niece that the guys that are innocent are the ones she needs to be around. I can't understand for the life of me why she would want to be someones throw away. I guess if they aren't bad boys they aren't appealing..Wow oh wow...Its funny because I can look back at being her age and wonder if I was the same. 

Lately I've been reading up on Porn for women..I thought you might be interested.  Here are some of the images. I've become slightly addicted.  I'm a little embarrassed to share this.

Do you ever

Do you ever go through days where you feel like you don't really have anything to blog about?  That is the mode I'm in right now.  Lately just seems like the normal stuff.  I mean today I did dig up a dead rose bush and rake some leaves.  The boys are running around enjoying their spring break.  I thought that this weekend we would go to California, but the weather has changed some and I think its to cold to go to the beach.  I also didn't feel all that great about being on the beach and the possibility of getting sucked up by a Tsunami.
(insert bad humor) My heart really goes out to those in Japan.  I can not even imagine what they are going through. 

We did get our taxes done.  Glad we are done with that for another year..Right now I'm just really in mom mode.  We have been going bike riding with the kids.  We bought a cute bike trailer that hubs attaches to his bike.  Haha!! We strap in Alec and Blake and Mark rides his bike.  Alec is still on training wheels and would have a harder time keeping up.  Its been a lot of fun.  I've really been enjoying it.  I missed going for bike rides.  Growing up I was always riding my bike. So much fun.

I've been spring cleaning like crazy trying to get the kids clothes sorted through and outta the house.  I am always burried under in laundry and I have 6 baskets of clean laundry (atleast) to put away..Maybe that is where I should be focusing right know:)

Blake broke my camera, so I haven't even been taking as many pictures lately.
All the boys had ear infections.  Which is strange for them to all have it..I guess maybe just passing the bacteria around.  A few weeks ago we all went to the Dr every few days or so. Hopefully now that its warming up it will stay gone and away.

Did you all see where route 1 in California collapsed?  Google it the pictures are insane..A 100ft stretch just collapsed..Due to erosion..

So the laundry pile awaits me! Hope you all are enjoying your spring! I know I am!!

Dreams....

What are your dreams?  Or like me do you feel like some where out of the blue you stopped dreaming?   My husband asked me the other day to write down my goals and dreams..Really not sure what to write.  Of course there is always the want and need to be healthy. To have healthy happy successful children.  But what about me?  Not to sure I know anymore.  Day to day stuff has me wondering..
Have any of you lost your dreams? No where to be found and you want them back?

Wow, my 100th post...2011

Wow have I been a bad blogger! Its crazy how much has happened since my last blog....My hubs birthday, mine, Christmas and now New years! The boys have been out of school for the past two weeks and I have LOVED every minute of it.  Its been nice to not HAVE to be anywhere and spend time with the family.
Seems I haven't really had any time to sit still at all. 


I really can not believe that another year has come and gone.  2011..Really? Wow..I don't think I ever thought this far into the future when I was young.  I do have some resolutions...while I do this periodically through the year anyways..I do still want to work on a few things. 

1. I want to work on being a better blogger! Ya I know what your thinking...No she wont...lol..I feel like I am running around in circles most days.  I sometimes can't get my head on straight..I hope to gradually become more organized.  I think that it will happen, but its just going to take time.  I partially organized one of my storage closets today.  Hopefully a little bit at a time.  Before I had kids I was so much more organized. I had every thing how I wanted it.  Now mostly its put away to keep the kids out of it. Hubs likes to put stuff "up" to keep the kids out of it and eventually it causes a bigger mess...The little one of mine is into every thing. He is a climber...

2. I want to keep going to the gym and go a little more regularly.  I think one of my goals was fittest in my life by 30..I'm thinking if the stores ever stop selling sweets, Starbucks, and junk I will get there.  I just gotta keep pushing on.  Last time I checked my body fat I had lost 1.2% and was pretty proud of that number.  But some days I just drag.

3.More home cooked meals.  I can not even begin to tell you how much easier it is to swing by taco bell in the evenings and get a yummy chicken burrito. Amidst the chaos its so much easier to eat out..but then again it doesn't help out #2 either if I keep it up...

4. I want to learn to relax a little bit more..This is just one thing I think I am totally incapable of.  I constantly worry about every thing. There is sooo much to worry about I just need to learn to ditch it all and chill..

5. Finally (oh and believe me I could go on, but will spare you) I need to work on my temper a little and not to get uptight because I do get that way. There is no need and I am thinking that certain things just are what they are..and thats it...

Happy New year 2011....What are some of your resolutions?

Isn't it funny...

Isn't it funny that no matter how many wrongs or injustices that another person may cause us that we feel compassion towards them?  I guess this is all about forgiveness and moving on. Years ago Brandon had an ex girl friend, yada, yada, yada..Fast forward 13 years later and her sister has breast cancer.  Tested in February and the Dr said she didn't have cancer.  Now jump forward to September and she was misdiagnosed. She now has a aggressive cancer that they are dealing with.  My husbands first reaction was to pray for her.  My reaction was to cry for her.  She is someone's daughter,girlfriend, mother, sister and MOTHER..Yes I know I repeated that one, but it hit me hard. She has kids, she is only 34 or 35 and she is really sick.  Now she never cared for me because I was the new girlfriend of her sister's ex boyfriend. I get it .  Family loyalty..I would do the same thing. Later, I became his wife and time has moved on with all of us..There aren't hard feelings anymore. At least for me.  My heart aches for her and I can't seem to get it out of my mind.  Hoping that she is going to be ok and that she is going to beat this. I'm praying for her full recovery..Thinking at one time that I didn't like her because she treated me wrongfully.  But none of that matters right now. I guess in life when we think we have it bad there is alway someone out there who has it worse.  I'm praying for you girl, even if you don't know it or care.  I am and I hope you get a 100% recovery..
*funny what happens when you become a grown up, you change*

Random thoughts

Its amazing to me how looking for one shoe can just about destroy our whole day! (I was reminded by a fellow blogger of this)

When you have kids you are almost certain to find the most unusual things in the most unusual places. Like the toilet paper roller in the living room toothbrush in the toy box..  what are your findings?

Now that my kids are starting to go to school I feel like I am in school all over again. I must be positive and keep telling them how fun and educational school is. I truly believe this, but some times feel over whelmed.

Most people need 6-7 hours of sleep every night.  I'm one of those that needs around 9 to function.

Some days I wonder how those who have full time jobs, relationships, children, hobbies, and school do it.  I feel most days that I am barely making it and I am a stay at home mom!

Fall is my favorite time of year.  From September through January is my favorite time of year. I used to enjoy decorating for all of these holidays too.  But its difficult because nothing is my own any more.  My OCD comes out when I am trying to decorate and sometimes I just want to do it with out any help. Remember I have 6 extra sets of hands wanting to help me! I know they wouldn't be children though if they were not excited.  Getting excited is the best part.

I thought that getting up early would be tough, as I have not been up early in 6 years.  All of my children have been sleepers.  But I must admit I am really enjoying the change. There is just something about the morning air, the sun rays so fresh and alive, and the fact that I get a little more done.
I've always been a night owl and know how much I will dislike myself if I stay up late.  Sometimes I just can't help it.  There is always so much to do, and sometimes I like a good veg when every one is asleep.  I'm never alone and at night I am.  I can't even go to the bathroom alone. If for some reason I close the bedroom door there is a sensor that goes off in the little ones heads and immediately they are at the door.

I don't know what changes in people as they age, but some lose their patience and love for children. I try my hardest to be a good mom.  If I say that some one is getting a spanking when we get out side they are..I mean it. But the dirty looks I get some times are crazy. I find most people love kids and children, but there are a few that forget..or say their children never did those things.  Don't know what has changed..I mean my kids get things taken away.  The get spanked sometimes and there are days we take trips to the store and they don't get anything.I guess I don't care though my children make me happy and thats all that counts.

I was NEVER a coffee drinker until I had my first Starbucks.  Now there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some sort of coffee.  For years we didn't even own a coffee pot. We had filters and that was about it.

I have 6 cats and 3 dogs.  Don't really know when this happened but my love for animals took over. I have put strays in my garage before and driven all over to try and find the owners.  I get embarrassed by the fact that I have so many. I love them all.  People all react differently to this. I kind of feel like the creepy cat lady..But I had 3...and my dad saved a momma cat from the pound..who had 5 kittens. They were all about to be put down. So, I adopted 3 of theirs.  They kept 2 and found the momma home. Basically my parents would do anything for me, so to help them out I took 3 of the babies home.  What kind of a world do we live in where a momma and her 1-2 week old babies are put to sleep? 

I'm working on being more punctual. Being late is one of my WORST qualities.  I am proud to say that we have not been to school late at all. I don't want my children to learn that bad habit. The frustrating part is that I ALWAYS plan, and have good intentions..but something always comes up.  Someone comes over, something takes longer than is was supposed to. It never fails.  But I am trying!! I don't want to be the late mom that shows up all flushed because she was late and embarrassed her children. Punctuality is a big  HUGE thing in someones personality and I am striving to be better! Then there are days where I am on time and I'm TOO early..so I end up driving around a few extra minutes because I just didn't plan it right..Geez, how does this happen??

I like to cook..Can't say that there are days where we don't eat the same things over and over.  Luckily I have a patient hubby who doesn't mind.  I think some days we can not find the kids in the house because its so messy.  But he doesn't get mad..He lets me do things how I need too.  He helps me out.  Maybe he understands..Maybe he doesn't.

Going to school was one of the best times of my life. I often look around at kids that are aching to get out of school and it makes me sad.  I don't know if they realize how much they will miss it. I have dreams about being there and not knowing my schedule or being able to remember my locker combination. I think back and ask my self if I remember being 16 or 17..Or what it was like when I was 22 or 23. Its so strange to be approaching 30..Its a big milestone. I know it will be great though. Getting older had definitely brought me things that I would not have had at 16 or 17.  I had my first baby at 23! Amazing..Life was empty until I had kids! Then there are my friends who don't have children and I get sort of envious of that freedom they have to do anything.. Then I remember that having children is so short lived. They grow up way to fast!!

I often ask myself why I am not one of those GO TO people..Meaning, you know how there are people out there that others seem to flock too.  They are sought after and everyone wants their friendship..I just am not one of those people.  I have friends, but good friends are far and few between. I have the "friends" that I only hear from when they want something, are going through a break up, think I can help or just aren't there..I have a few older friends. But I'm not really Top on anyone's list and its hurtful..because I am a good friend. I'm loyal, understanding and super laid back.  I just don't know what vibe it is that those GO TO people put out there, but apparently I need to pick some up at the health food store!

Jr. High was a nightmare for me..I went from having friends in Elementary school, to not having any.  Not sure why..I dreaded being dropped off and remember standing at my locker to seem as though I was cleaning it out or something. Then, when I did find a group to hang out with I remember very clearly walking through the halls with them (and this girl that I was sort of friends with) this guy who was the boyfriend asking me why I was following them around like a lost puppy.  That hurt..then there was a friend who had issues..One day I was her best friend and then the next she was telling someone else that. She would say wait here, I'm going to go talk to someone.  I'd wait for her and she would Leave me there to just sit. Man..no wonder I'm funny about my friends. Thankfully by the end of 7th beginning of 8th I had a few friends..I was never in the popular group though.

So today I let you in on some of my life's happenings.  They aren't all sunshine and rainbows, but I feel they have made me who I am. They have defined me.

When did I settle for mediocre?

I'm sure I spelled mediocre wrong..But when did I settle?
I had a bridal shower tonight at my house. I spent 2 days cleaning, organizing, and rearranging and it still wasn't clean enough. I'm just wondering where I started to falter. I still felt very insecure and umcomfortable with people in my house. I sat in my room looking around at the piles of stuff. Granted it is NOTHING like an episode of hoarders, but I can see things starting to pile here or there. Its like this dirty little secret that I carry around on my shoulders. When people come over unannounced I'm embarrased or if I know someone is coming by or we have an event here its guaranteed that I will have to clean for 2 days. My husband LOVES to invite people over and if I'm LUCKY I will get a few hours notice. Even though he knows I'm going to yell at him he STILL does it. So here I am running around frantically trying to pick up, while Blake is crawling around on the floor in hot pursuit of me to pick him up. What does my husband say as I do this all one armed?? Oh they don't care! What?!? Darn right they care and in the least if they don't care, they notice.
Its so hard to let people in on such an intimate part of your life. Then when people offer me help I'm even more horrified because they see how the house REALLY is.

My poor kids too! We can never find laundry. My husband will tell me he needs pants or socks at 6am when I'm in bed. before getting into the shower I'm doing the naked dive into the garage to grab a towel and hopeing no one is coming up to the front door as I shoot by. I know we have some clothes that are continually in the wash cycle. Wash, dry, put in basket, take to room, put on bed, fall to floor, get mixed in with clean or maybe dirty, get picked up and washed again and it starts all over!

So I am wondering when I settled for mediocre, and started letting myself get soooo behind on everything. I'm definitely NOT your super mom. I get tired of cleaning and on the rare occasion I only have one of the boys..you better believe my butt is parked on the couch watching TV, facebooking, or blogging.
Some honest truths:

Sometimes dishes sit in the sink for days!

There is an impression of my couch underneath, mad up of toys, dishes and lord knows what else.

I've used lysol spray on things by the door to make it smell like I've been cleaning.
I blame 95% of it on the kids.
I feel better when people tell me I have 3 kids and that's why the house is messy..when deep down I wonder if they tell me that to make me feel better.

I comment on the obvious when I'm nervous. Like "wow, my fridge is a mess." When really I need to just shut up!

I make deals with my husband so he will help me clean.

Crazy thing is I used to love cleaning and organizing. When did it get to be so unenjoyable and why did I let my self get so far behind? Another world mystery!

Random thoughts

Learning quicker and quicker that things don't always have to be in my control. Everything happens for a reason. I have 3 kids the house will be messy. Money doesn't matter as long as we have each other. Its great to have friends and family. Most likely I am not dying although I am nervous. Kids say the darndest things.
Lately my 3 year old Alec has been cussing like a sailor...I blog to relieve stress. Mark is stubborn beyond words just like his momma. Blake ONLY wants me which is a great feeling and semi annoying to..(I can't get anything done) I don't want to either:P I love, love my hubby! Been together 13 years and almost married for 11! I was married for 5 years before I had my first Surprise baby at 23. I wondered why I waited so long when he got here. I think about having a 4th. Although hubby thinks about not having anymore. I now drive a mini van. Guess I sealed my own fate on that one for "NEVER" wanting one. I secretly like it although I'm only 29. I worry about losing those closest to me. Like my parents. We have been in a better financial situation. But what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I am full of empty threats. Although the kids don't know that just yet. (Maybe they do) Ha ha!
I never got the handbook on parenting. So my kids don't always listen like they should and are good on embarrasing me in public. My spelling isn't as good as it used to be. I have regrets about not going to school after graduation. Would things have turned out this way if I had? Most likely not. I may have never met my three beautiful children because things would have been different.
I tend to value people more than they value me. Which is hurtful, but I've learned to deal with it.
Thinking that there is something wrong with me is one of the scariest things I've ever gone through. I can not wait to get that Dumb MRI...so I will know and can move on!
My parents had me later in life. My mom was 44 and my dad was 37. My mom is turning 73 this month and my dad just turned 66. Turning 30 really bothers me to. I know its just another number, but I look around at all these people still so young and it just reminds me of when I was younger. I'm sure one day I will look back and wonder why I ever cared. Maybe I just realized that I don't..See why its good to have random thoughts:)
My husband works so much..its lonely and annoying..but I know he needs to and I'm glad he isn't in the bar instead.
Happy Easter