Something new

Both of my boys have been accepted into the Charter School in our area.  I'm happy, excited, nervous and concerned.  When I originally applied and Mark didn't get in, I was heart broken.  After a few years at our other school I really got over it and got quite attached. When Alec got in I was excited and nervous all over again. I was worried because after Alec got in Mark's chances would increase a lot.  But I really thought he would not get in and I would have a year to decide if it was really what I wanted or not.  A chance to feel out the school and try things. What did I have to lose? So a few weeks later I got a call saying Mark had been accepted. Of course I got all worried and concerned. Why is it that when we think we want something so bad and then we get it, we are apprehensive? I remember being sooo heartbroken when Mark wasn't accepted. So why am I worried now?  I know that I don't want him to attend the JR High school here.  Things have gotten bad and the charter school seems to have a pretty good handle on it. So I have a few weeks to decide.  Mark wants to try it out.  I just want to make sure he gets the best education. I loved his teacher last year and was looking forward to another year.
I guess time will tell and we shall see!

summer is almost here

School is almost out.  I am excited and ready for the break with my kids.  Except I start to feel this overwhelming sense of sadness as the year comes to an end.  I adore our teachers and next year will be new beginnings.  Our wonderful preschool teacher will be gone after this next weekend. She is moving to Utah, her husband got a wonderful job there. Her family is also there. I'm so happy for her but I can't help but be sad.  She was Mark's first teacher and Alec had her this year.  I had plans for Blake to have her as well.  She has been so good to my boys and they have learned so much. We found out a few Mondays ago she was leaving and right after that on Wednesday I got a letter from the academy saying Alec had been accepted.  I would have totally left him with her for another year.  I also would have lost my golden chance on him attending the academy.  Which I'm still not sure about. Mark has had such wonderful experiences at his school it makes it hard for me to pull him out and not send Alec there.

Mark's teacher has been wonderful. She is so kind and caring. One of those rarities anymore. She communicates with me and doesn't mind that I want to be involved.  Next year brings a new teacher and its always hard to say good bye.  I think I'm more upset than the kids.  When did I become so attached? So sentimental? Such a looney toon?
Its sad to think about.  Exciting for the kids but sad for me.  Here we go into the summer!

Torn

I'm not sure what to think...I got news on Monday that Alec's preschool teach Ms. Cami is not teaching preschool next year.(She is moving to Utah)   She has been wonderful. She takes 6 kids at a time and he would go on Monday and Wednesday from 9-12.  So the schedule has been great.  I was really looking forward to her teaching him again next year.  He won't get to go into Kindergarten for another year because of his b-day.  So I finally started thinking that I would be ok with him maybe staying home with me and working on some sort of a curriculum for him. Then today I get a letter from the Academy saying he had been accepted there for preschool.  Now I'm so torn.  I absolutely LOVE Mark's school.  Granted he hasn't gotten in yet either but I don't know what I want now.  I haven't come to terms with the situation yet. I had pretty much figured they were not going to get in.
If I let Alec stay in preschool he would go for Kindergarten the following year...If I don't he will lose his spot. I'm not sure what to do. I know he needs preschool no matter what. But I'm also not sure if I want to move Mark if he gets accepted.  His teacher this year has been a blessing. So wonderful and he has learned so much.
There are so many pros and cons.  I love the idea of a 4 day school week. I guess I have the next year to think it over...I have no idea now..

Scary Truths continued...

We've been married for almost 12 years.  Things are really good but we have had our ups and downs.  The most memorable bad down was when we were married for 3 years. See I got married 2 weeks out of high school. 18 and Brandon was 23.  Things were great and I could not imagine being anywhere else. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That there were so many people out there and I had not experienced anything!!  I turned 21 I wanted to go out and party and meet people. Things at home were rough.  I cheated on my husband with someone else. Who I will leave un-named. We seperated and I met someone else who I thought was everything he was not. He was attractive and charming. We hit it off for a while. I was still married and that really bothered him. (for good reason) His ex girlfriend came back to town and he picked her over me.  We tried the friend thing for awhile but he was with her and if fizzled for us. He married her the next year.


So at rock bottom I decided that I wanted my hubby back.I have never wanted anything more in my whole life.   We were in works and he met someone. Wait a minute..That happens? She was charming and flirty..would call him to say good night and he wanted to get to know her. I felt helpless as he explained that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I bugged him and bugged him. Eventually he broke up with her to fix things with me. I had in the beginning filed for divorce and wanted to cancel it but he didn't. He dumped me and went back to her.  He was still curious about her.  I had gone all out for him one night made dinner, done the romantic roses petal thing, and cleaned the whole entire house.  She called him when I was with him. He had been talking to him and asked if he could talk he said no..I knew who it was.  It made me sick..but it was me and what I had wanted.  I bugged him and bugged him and eventually we got back together.  He finally told her that we were going to try and work it out. For 6 months or so he told me he didn't think he wanted to be together anymore. It was tough but I tried to endure it I didn't want to split. We had cancled the divorce but he was still unsure. 


It was kind of weird but one day it just went away.  We were both happy again and things were good. A year later we got pregnant with Mark and he was born in 2004. I lost a dear friend through the whole ordeal.  She didn't agree with my behavior and although we are friends today things have never been the same.  Its taken me a long time to get over what I did.  Brandon forgave me and I know he meant it.  Could I forgive the same? I don't know, but he has a good heart and we are strong as ever!!


I know this is really deep and personal, but I feel like this had defined me as a person..Feel free to ask any questions and please read with an open mind.

Life's changes and why I read porn

Wow has my life been crazy busy lately. 2 weeks ago this Sunday my 16 year old niece came to stay with us.
It has been an adjusment but seems to be going good.  The boys love having here.  I don't know which way is up and down though lately. I hope that once we get into a good routine it will be OK.  I never thought that she would come to live with us.  We had to clean out our spare bedroom which I think has been a blessing is disguise .  I've gone through and gotten rid of lots and lots of papers and junk just sitting in there waiting to be thrown away..I don't know what it is but sometimes I can't bare to get rid of some thing and then the next time I look at this I think Why did I keep this. 

I'm also trying to figure out how the teenage mind works.  Its so creepy how things are these days and just how different kids are.  When I was in school I know things weren't good.  But now they are just down right bad.  I keep trying to explain to my niece that the guys that are innocent are the ones she needs to be around. I can't understand for the life of me why she would want to be someones throw away. I guess if they aren't bad boys they aren't appealing..Wow oh wow...Its funny because I can look back at being her age and wonder if I was the same. 

Lately I've been reading up on Porn for women..I thought you might be interested.  Here are some of the images. I've become slightly addicted.  I'm a little embarrassed to share this.

Isn't it funny...

Isn't it funny that no matter how many wrongs or injustices that another person may cause us that we feel compassion towards them?  I guess this is all about forgiveness and moving on. Years ago Brandon had an ex girl friend, yada, yada, yada..Fast forward 13 years later and her sister has breast cancer.  Tested in February and the Dr said she didn't have cancer.  Now jump forward to September and she was misdiagnosed. She now has a aggressive cancer that they are dealing with.  My husbands first reaction was to pray for her.  My reaction was to cry for her.  She is someone's daughter,girlfriend, mother, sister and MOTHER..Yes I know I repeated that one, but it hit me hard. She has kids, she is only 34 or 35 and she is really sick.  Now she never cared for me because I was the new girlfriend of her sister's ex boyfriend. I get it .  Family loyalty..I would do the same thing. Later, I became his wife and time has moved on with all of us..There aren't hard feelings anymore. At least for me.  My heart aches for her and I can't seem to get it out of my mind.  Hoping that she is going to be ok and that she is going to beat this. I'm praying for her full recovery..Thinking at one time that I didn't like her because she treated me wrongfully.  But none of that matters right now. I guess in life when we think we have it bad there is alway someone out there who has it worse.  I'm praying for you girl, even if you don't know it or care.  I am and I hope you get a 100% recovery..
*funny what happens when you become a grown up, you change*

anxiety anyone?

I'm not sure why, but some times I get major anxiety.  This never used to be a problem for me but lately I've been getting really uptight.  Back in April when I had my MRI, I was causing myself some major anxiety.  I even created some of my own symptoms from worrying about things so much. After I got an all clear from the doc, I started to feel much better. 

Now lately I've been feeling uneasy again.  I don't feel stressed out, but I know that I am always concerned that there is something wrong with me. 

I worry that some thing will happen to me and that my hubby will be left with out me. That my babies will grow up with out their mom. I get this tightness in my chest and I get pains. So naturally I start worrying that there is something wrong with my heart.  I haven't been going to the gym as much and I'm sure that is part of the problem.  Really my worries seem so less than some people I know out there.  I know that there are people out there that are way worse off than I am.  I am so grateful that I have a loving husband, darling little boys who light up my life,  a great family and supportive friends.  So what's my deal..why can't I shake this?? Maybe its human nature, I don't know but I need it to go away soon. It feels like its making me crazy! I really want to avoid meds if at all possible.  Going to the doc right now just isn't feasable either.  I had insurance that I was paying 200.00 per month for JUST me.  But even after the fact I was still getting bills. So I decided to cancel it. Maybe thats why I'm uneasy..I don't like the way that our bodies can take control and give us all these symptoms and scare us so much. 

I know that God has a plan for all of us and if its my time its my time, but I can't help but pray for more time with my kids, and hubby.  I really hope this passes soon.  Worrying because you are worried is so hard on anyone. I just want to feel good and normal and not be worried all of the time. 

I never used to be a worry wart, but I guess I never had as much to live for as I do now..

MRI done

I got my MRI yesterday. I had put it off and put it off because I was hoping my symptoms would go away. Plus the fact that my insurance won't cover it and I will have to pay for an MRI of the inner ear and the brain. So a 3600.00 bill is inevitable. The lady who did the MRI was wonderful and it wasn't as bad as I thought. Granted I had a few valium in my system and felt pretty good. I felt a tad bit claustraphobic but the time went by pretty quick. I am so relieved that I am done and its over with. I think just the worry of going was putting a huge amount of stress on me. I needed to get it done to be able to feel a sense of peace again. I could have done blood work etc, but I would still wonder about brain tumors and all that scary stuff. Plus I don't want to let things go if there is something wrong. Which I have convinced myself is going to be ok and I am healthy!!! So now I just wait for the results and they said it would be in, in 3-4 business days. So If they don't want to hear from me every day I suggest that they call me soon! Ha Ha!

Always something..

So today I went to go and try to get all of my appts set up and of course I got the headache of it. I had to get my prescription for a valium. I am nervous to get a MRI..so of claustrophobic for some reason. That all started about 10 years ago when I went to the tanning salon and never got over it. Anyway I go to check on the MRI and get it scheduled. Naturally my insurance isn't going to cover it. So I am looking at 1800 for one of the MRI tests and 1800 for the other one. They also mentioned that they don't cover inner ear disorders..Not sure if thats the case with me, but basically I am going to have to pay regardless. The upside to my 3500 MRI is that once they bill the insurance and it gets denied they will take payments from me. Woopdeedoo! ha ha..So I looked into getting a CT scan and I'm not crazy about that either. Did you know that They use radiation for it? That doesn't make me feel any better. Still not sure what to do or if the insurance is even worth it. It costs me 200 per month just for me! Maybe I need to stash that cash every month incase I need it. But wait..soon enough I will have to have insurance no matter what. If we have the money or not. I am so torn and don't know what to do..Maybe I have a little anxiety..

I was looking up the symptoms of anxiety and was amazed at the long list of things that can be anxiety based. It is very scary!

MRI here I come.

So today I went to the dr for this annoying whooshing sound I have had in my ear. Now I get to go and get an MRI done and a hearing test which is less that ideal for me. I don't know why getting an MRI is so scary to me but it is. Hopefully things will come out good. There comes a point where you start to worry about your life and if you will be ok. I'm only 29 and i am a self proclaimed worry wart. My kids need me, I need them, I need my hubby and worry about leaving this earth to early. I know it sounds morbid and I don't mean to, I'm just worried. The Dr said ringing in one ear is not normal. I just gotta suck it in and hope and pray for the best. Luckily our bodies are programed to give us warning signs. Hopefully a few weeks from now this will all be behind me and I will have the result of being fine. Please keep me in your prayers!

I'm not looking forward to the MRI. I never used to be claustrophobic, but for some reason I am now. I had a panic attack one time when I went tanning and was never able to get past it. Thankfully I did because I worry all the time about the tanning and how damaging it is to your health. A definite sign from God..to get out and never go back. But I do worry I will get scared again. Loss of hearing can also cause whoosing sound so I guess we will see how it all goes!
I cried and went through the emotions..so tomorrow is another day..I hope a better one!